VERY OLD AND FETCHING – by Marz

Oct 1, 2022

Hi! I’m Marz! I’m the new dog at Chez Salty! Sometimes they call me “Fudgie!” Don calls me “The Red Menace!!” I’m one-year old!!! I’m so frickin’ old now! Sorry! I didn’t mean to swear!! But youth is certainly frickin’ fleeting!! I can’t even fit in my old Safe Space anymore! Don used to get mad when I was in my safe space! Now he gets mad wherever I go to sleep in front of my Safe Space!! You just can’t win with Don! He’s grumpy a lot! And youth certainly is fleeting!!! I’m an old man already!!!

This is my second turn writing the blog! It’s really fun!! Bipeds and dogs said they really liked my last blog! Everyone said they liked my last blog a lot except Auggie!! He said I wrote about stupid stuff and I used too many exclamation points!! He said he has only used 5 exclamation points in his whole life! I asked if the three in the title of his last blog, “PSHAW!!!” meant that he only ever used two. Then he bit me! Auggie is so cool!!!!!’

Another thing Don says I’m very good at is crossing the road!!! I don’t even need a leash anymore! Don holds out his hand and says, “Stay… stay…..” and if I go in front of his hand he will yell, “BAD DOG!!!! STAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!” Auggie and Teddy never get yelled at because they stay behind Don’s hand!! Those two guys are so awesome!! When he’s sure there aren’t any cars coming Don says “OK!” and we run across the street as fast as we can!! Then I run as fast as I can around the lawn a couple times and then I go pee on the tree!! We all pee on that tree!!! Except Don!

I don’t know why Don gets to pee inside! It’s not fair!! I used to pee inside a lot and he yelled at me a lot! Liana too!! I mean Liana used to yell at me! Not pee inside!!! And Don won’t let me drink from the big water bowl he pees in!! That will get me yelled at too!! Don does a lot of yelling!!! Liana and Don both yell at me to stay out of the kitchen!!!! But that’s where all the Yummy Floor Snacks are! One time Auggie said I was stupid! I should be like him– stay out of the kitchen until Don and Liana were in the dining room eating!!! Then you could go in and eat everything on the floor!!!! But when I tried, Auggie bit me for stealing his Yummy Floor Snacks!!!! He said I could have the garbage bin. I think I’ll keep doing it my way, Auggie!! They will come for me straight away if they hear the garbage can tip over!!! No offense! I just don’t like getting bit that much!!!! Maybe later I won’t mind getting bit a lot!!!!!

ANYWAY… Sometimes when I’m across the street Liana will break out “The Hose!!” The Hose is the best!! There’s a whole bunch of water in it!! It all comes out at the same time so I try to bite it and keep it in!! It’s a lot of water!!! I don’t know why Teddy and Auggie don’t try to bite it!!!! I can’t keep all that water back myself, guys!!!! The hose is probably the only thing in town Auggie hasn’t bitten!!! Hahahaha!!!!!!

But sometimes Liana will work across the street at the Blue House and it won’t be very fun! She’ll put me on the deck where I can see Don and everyone else at the shop!! And everyone on the street!! It must make everyone so SAD!!! Everyone misses me so much!! What are they doing without me?!?! Having Floor Snacks and running everywhere as fast as they can, probably!!! That’s the best!!! I can’t even run as fast as I can on the deck because it’s too small!! It’s like prison!! I can’t be kept in a prison!! I need to run everywhere I go!!! EVERYONE NEEDS TO RUN EVERYWHERE THEY GO!!! AS FAST AS THEY CAN GO!!!

Teddy runs everywhere he goes!! Teddy is MY VERY BEST FRIEND!!! He never even bit me even once like Auggie or Don!! When we run out of the sliding glass door in the morning to pee, Teddy runs REALLY fast!!! I LIKE to run really fast, too!! So we run all the way down to the neighbor dogs Bailey and Rudder!! (Editor’s note: Teddy LOATHES Marz and is only trying to get away from him. Then he loses Marz with the neighbor dogs and runs back up to get fed). It’s really fun!!! Do you know Rudder?!?! He’s a very famous dog!! He works on The Balmy Days and The Novelty!!! He’s a very successful dog and he loves to swim and run as fast as he can at Horn Cove!!

Sometimes me and Teddy, my BEST BUDDY EVER, and I run so far away that my breakfast will be gone when I get back!!!! I am gone so long!!! It will be totally gone!!!!! I think Don is eating it!!! Auggie and Teddy would NEVER eat another dog’s breakfast!! That’s not cool, Don!! You only give me a little scrap of your breakfast when you’re done with it!! And you eat all of mine when I’m running everywhere with my best friend!!!

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Have you ever heard of something called “FETCHING?” It’s the best!!!! It’s so fun!!!

You can fetch on snow and that is super-fun because you get to run as fast as you can in the snow!! It’s awesome!!! Snow is awesome!!! Then you can fetch on land– like on rocks, sand, in fields, or even inside!!! Whut, whut, whut!!?! Fetching inside?!?! You would think Don would yell at me to stop running as fast as I can inside!!! But he doesn’t!! It’s the best!! It’s my favorite!!! Don will be watching TV and he’ll throw a toy all over the cabin!!!! He’ll make it very difficult because sometimes it will look like he threw the toy, but he will “Fake You Out!!” Auggie says I get Faked Out every single time!! Auggie never gets faked out!!!!! And If I get Faked Out, Auggie will get the toy for me!! Thanks Auggie!!!

You can also fetch in the water!! Auggie calls it swimfetching!! It’s one part swimming and one part fetching!!! Isn’t that clever?!?!?! It’s Auggie’s favorite kind of fetching!!! It’s his jam!! I like swimfetching OK, but I can’t swim as fast as I can run!! Swimming is pretty boring!! It takes forever to get to get wherever you’re going!!! Pouncing in the water is much funner and faster!!! It would be THE BEST if I could pounce on top of the water and run as fast as I can on it!!!!

But my favorite kind of fetching is Beach Fetching!! You can run as fast as you can at the beach!! Sometimes you find a Big Stick and run all over the beach as fast as you can go!! That is so much fun!! Don yells at me when I hit him in the legs with my stick!!! He gets mad when I hit other dogs in the face with it, too!!! Don is a big party pooper!!! There’s no room on the beach for Grumpies, Don!!!!!!

This is how you fetch!!!!

First, have a Biped with arms get a tennis ball from the barrel at the shop! Don will yell at dogs when they try to get a tennis ball from the barrel on their own! Then the Biped with arms needs to throw the tennis ball!! Sometimes it’s very far and sometimes if not very far!!! I like it when it’s very, very far!! Then you run as fast as you can to the tennis ball and bring it back as to the Biped with the arms!! When I get the tennis ball, I fetch it right back to Don as fast as I can!!! That’s the whole game!!! It’s so much fun!!!

Sometimes it’s not even a tennis ball! Sometimes it’s a stick!!! Sometimes it’s a stuffed animal inside the cabin!!! Sometimes it’s an apple core Don throws in the woods!!! Those are awesome!!! But I don’t fetch them!!!

Sometimes the tennis ball is very hard to see!!! Sometimes Don tries to fake you out!!! You have to be smart to see where the tennis ball is thrown!!! If you miss where the tennis ball is thrown on land, you have to sniff, sniff, sniff, to find the tennis ball!!! Sometimes it’s so hard to find the tennis ball!! Don yells “WHERZA TENNIS BALL MARZ!!!” over and over!!! Luckily, I can smell tennis balls really good!! I’ve never lost a tennis ball EVER!!!!!! (Editor’s note: He’s lost plenty. Auggie is the “No Tennis Ball Left Behind” Champ)

But sometimes Don throws the tennis ball in the ocean and I’ll need to swim as fast as I can to the tennis ball and back to Don!! Swimming takes a long time! That’s why I don’t like swimfetching!! Swimfetching takes forever!! It’s for old dogs! I have to run everywhere as fast as I can!!!!

If you lose a tennis ball in the water, Don throws rocks around where it is and you have to swim as fast as you can to the rock splash!! Then you can see the tennis ball!! Don never jokes around with lost tennis balls!! It’s a BIG deal for a dog to lose a tennis ball!!!! If you lose a tennis ball, Don gives you a smaller treat at the shop than normal!!! Sometimes he just leaves you in the truck!! But I can fetch the tennis ball every time!!! Me! Little Marz!!! Fetching is my jam!!!!!!!! I love fetching even more than running everywhere as fast as I can go with a big stick!!!

That’s all the time I’ve got this month, guys! I’ve got to go outside and poop as fast as I can!!!!!

Marzipan Fin Bin Limb Bim Bus Stop F’tang F’tang Olay Biscuit Barrel – OUT!