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Dec 1, 2024
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I think Don got in trouble with the law!!!!! Maybe he stole another Biped’s dinner!! Maybe he bit someone!!! But one day he put me in the truck and he drove and drove forever! Then we got stopped at some kind of checkpoint with an angry young man with a pistol! His facial hair was sparse and terrible!! Don’s voice got all friendly because he was trying to make friends with the young man with the pistol!!! Don was so fake! Then the angry young man came up to me and shined a very bright light in my eyes!!!! It was pretty painful! Then he gave me a treat! It was a stale Milk Bone with the flavor of ass!!! And it was more than I got from Don in the last million years!!!
After I got my treat, the angry young man with the pistol gave me a head rub!!! Don must have made the angry young man much angrier because Don didn’t get a treat! Not one! He didn’t even get a head rub!!! He just got a bunch of papers!!!!!
Then Don said to me, “Hey Fudgie! What’s it feel like to be in another country?”
I was very, very confused! And excited!!!!!
What’s a country?!?!
We drove a super-long time that day without even a pee-pee stop!!! I didn’t have to go pee-pee, but Don likes to get out of the car frequently and get junk food! He says it’s because of his swollen pancreatitis or something!!!!!!
We got to a hotel in the middle of the night at some place called Truro!!! That’s a strange name!! It sounds so exotic!! We were definitely in another country!!
Don brought all our stuff into the room and left me in the truck where I could be stolen by any one of the plaid-clad, weirdo foreigners walking through the parking lot mumbling to themselves!!! That’s right! I figured out what a country was!!! My country was the USA where there were red white and blue flags everywhere!!! This country was so poor they could only afford two colors on their flag!!!! There was only red and white on it!!! And a leaf!! And they didn’t have enough money for everyone to fly a bzillion of their flags absolutely everywhere!!! They were very poor!!
That’s when I thanked the Great Black Dog that I was an American Dog!!!!
Luckily, Don came back to the truck before some nutjob broke into the truck and brought me to some farm where I’d have to pull a cart hauling rutabagas for the rest of my life and get eaten when I got too old to pull the cart!!!!!!
Then Don took me to the deck of the hotel restaurant!! That was really fun!!! They even gave me some shrimp tails!!! Those are the BEST!! No one even tried to steal me when Don went to the bathroom 50,000 times!!! Not even the guy with the lazy eye in the Habs shirt who kept saying something like “Bon Chein! Bon Chien!!!” to me!!!! Whatever that means!
It was really fun on that restaurant deck!!!! I learned a lot about the world!
These foreigners aren’t so bad! They even liked Don!! Haha!!! Just kidding! You could tell they were just sweet-talking Don, buying him drinks so his head would swim in that warm whiskey feeling and not care when I was stolen and sold to a poutine farm!!!! That’s another thing Don did that was embarrassing!!! He kept pronouncing it POO – TEEN – EE, instead of POO – TEEN!!!! I think he did it on purpose!!!
GAWD, DON!!!! Show some respect! Poutine is wonderful! The guy in the Habs shirt proved that!!
We woke up really early the next day and loaded everything into the truck!! Then Don gave me breakfast and we went shopping!! He went to the supermarket, the liquor store, the gas station, and then we both went to a Pet Store!!! Don put a lot of stuff on the counter! I was VERY excited!
But when they rang up all the stuff we brought to the counter, they said they didn’t take credit cards! They needed real foreign money, and Don didn’t have any!! Don asked where the nearest foreign money was and they said it was at an ATM back in the USA!! Hahaha!!!!! The look on Don’s face was priceless!!!
Don laughed, but I could tell he was very annoyed!!! He didn’t even have a coffee yet!! The Tim Horton’s had a line of cars around the block!!! Then the Pet Store foreigners stopped laughing and said the nearest ATM was a couple blocks away!!!
We walked out of the Pet Store, and I was so sad watching all those nice dog treats go!!! I knew Don would never come back here!! I knew we would split a bag of Doritos somewhere on the road!!! I am not complaining!! Doritos are AWESOME!!! Except for Cool Ranch! They Suck!!! Someone tell Don and all the other Bipeds!!!!
Then something unexpectedly delightful happened!!! Don brought me to the Truro Dog Park!!!!
I’ve been to loads of Dog Parks in the USA!!!! They are all pretty much lame and the same: an acre-wide dust/mud patch, heavily tainted with the smell of canine excrement, and some half-buried forklift tires the Bipeds think are great, but will yell at you if you try to chew them!!! Then there are always a frenzied pack of large, untrained, unrestrained, jealous dogs roving over the grounds seeking out smaller dogs to bully!!! No thank you!!!!
But the Truro Dog Park had the best, most massive Dog Park I have ever seen or heard about!!!!! IT WAS THE BEST!!!! Don was impressed, too! We stayed for hours!!!!
There were mowed lawns and long-grass meadows for fetchers!!! There were many mowed paths through woods and bushes for dogs walking on a leash!! There was even a large area for the small and senior dogs that had picnic tables and BBQ grills!!!!!! Wait… The small and senior dogs didn’t use the BBQ’s!!! The Bipeds did when they had their small and senior dogs!! It was pretty eye-opening what you could do if you put more money into Dog Parks and less into an industrial war machine!!!!
The foreign dogs couldn’t fetch at all!!! I took every single ball!!!! There were three of them!!! I came, I saw, I fetched, I conquered!!!! I was a champion!!! Hahaha!!! Don thought I was showboating and hit me on my butt with the Chuck-It ball launcher several times!!! It was worth it to be head of the pack!!!
Don loaded me back into the truck with a bag of Doritos (Nacho!) at 10am!!! By 11am both our lips were orange, and Don tried to pay a toll with orange fingers and the toll booth collector laughed only because she was grossed out and Don had to use his other hand!!!! Hahaha!!!
We drove and drove and drove! I mean Don drove!! He would never let me drive!! Haha!! I just sat in the passenger seat and got really fidgety!!! The sights were pretty boring!!! Why were we leaving the Best Dog Park in all This Alien Land, Don?!?!?! And that restaurant deck with all the shrimp tails and delicious tidbits!!! Why would you remove me from them?!?!?!
We stopped at a really cool Country Store in the middle of some town called “Nowhere,” and Don let me out to pee!!! It was very much appreciated!!! Then Don let himself inside the Country Store to pee!
He bought a bunch of really good stuff!!! I could smell fresh baked bread, home-made breakfast sausages, home-made butter, corned-beef hash, and a lot of other things fat people like Don and Dogs enjoy!!! Then Don gave me a frozen sardine!! Little did I know that they are the sacred Dog Treats of Canadian dogs!!! That’s right!! I learned the name of our host country from the radio and Don swearing at shitty drivers!!!!!
Frozen sardines are so exotic!! We have things like cod skins in the USA, but those are room temperature and don’t have any eyes!!! Don loaded all his purchased booty into coolers in the back of the truck and we kept driving!! I smelled the ocean again!!! We went on a car ferry!! It was very scary because I had never been on a ferry (Editor’s Note: Fudgie was on an overnight ferry to Newfoundland, but it was huge and probably didn’t seem like a boat)!!!
When I woke up, we were at the tippety-top of some place called Cape Breton Island!! Southport was an Island!!! I was very excited!! Islands always had beaches and the ocean!!!
We pulled into a a very small cabin overlooking the ocean!!! It was on a huge cliff!!! The first thing Don did was yell at me for running after the rabbits towards the huge cliff!!! Don let me chase them away from the cliff!!! But there were lots of rabbits!!! The rabbits were very fast. But sometimes the rabbits would run away from the cliff and then towards the cliff!!! There were so many rabbits!!!! Did I mention that???
This place was much colder than Southport Island, though!! I don’t know why!! The cabin here was much smaller than ours on Southport Island!! But there was only Don and me!!! It was quite cozy!!!!
Don brought our stuff inside!! He didn’t even unpack his duffel bag!!! He just threw it in the bedroom!!! Then he put all the food and ice in the fridge!!!! He gave me a frozen sardine and cracked himself a beer!!!
He sat looking through that picture window overlooking the Gulf of St. Lawrence for a long time! He was very calm!!!! I watched him from the bedroom!!! I think I heard him exhale for the first time in two days!!!! Maybe forever!!!!
He drank his beer. I ate my sardine. All you could hear was the wind coming off the water and the muffled crashes of the huge waves 80ft below us.
Then I had a horrible thought!!!! Were we ever going to see see Liana, Auggie, and Zinny again?!!
The next day, Don and I went to the BEST beach in the whole world!!! It had red sand!!! Isn’t that awesome!?!?! Don said the beach was the color of me!!! He told me if I stood completely still, he couldn’t see me!!!
The Red Sand Beach was huge – miles and miles long!!! It had very big waves, too!!!! There was no Dog or Biped on it anywhere!!! It was the perfect place to fetch all day long!!!! It was the perfect place for Don to relax!!!!
There was a huge lawn on the way to the beach that was chock-full of goose poop!!! Don did his best to stop me from eating any of it, but he was in a relaxed mode and I got a couple good mouthfuls before he went berserk!!!
But it was very hard to get on the beach because there was a big cliff!!!! It wasn’t as big as the one at the cabin, but the cliff was pretty big!! The warning signs said the cliff was eroding!!! It was dangerous!!!! Approach at your own risk!! But Don got us both on the beach safely!!!!
When we got on the beach, I wanted to go swimming and swim-fetching!!! I ran all over the beach and in the water!!! I fetched a whole bunch of tennis balls!
Then I tried to go swimming!!!! It was NOT fun!! A very big wave came out of nowhere and drilled me VERY hard on the red sand!!! That wave knocked the wind out of me!! It tumbled me around under the water for a long time!!! When I got my paws firmly on the beach, I saw Don running towards me!!! He was very happy to see me, but I was more happy to see him!!!!
Don and I went to that beach every day we were there!!! We’d get in the truck after my breakfast and after Don had 25 cups of coffee and was done writing whatever he was writing!!! I still don’t know!!!
Then Don ran out of booze and I ran out of frozen sardines!!! We set out on a 1-1/2hr drive to Cheticamp to get more!!!! Don stopped at a couple pretty good beaches and we had a good time walking around and fetching!!!!!
When we got to the supermarket, Don apparently loaded everything up on the conveyor!!! Then he yelled really loud!!! I could hear him in the parking lot!! He forgot his wallet at the house!!!!! It was 1-1/2 hours away!!!! Hahahaha!!! Wait! Why am I laughing?!?! I didn’t get any more frozen sardines!!!!!
Don was very angry at himself!!! He got back in the truck and did what he usually does when he’s angry: hit his head on the steering wheel of his truck!!!!! He was really angry this time!!!! I was pretty angry at Don, too!!! I didn’t get any frozen sardines!!! What if we ran out of gas on the way back?!?! That was a question for Liana!!!
Don hit his head on the steering wheel really hard for both of us!!! Thank you, Don!!!
We drove all the way back to Bay St. Lawrence!!!! Don was lucky no one pulled him over!!!! He didn’t even have his US license!!! He drove to the nice little general store in Bay St. Lawrence!!!! Then Don got a bottle of Jack Daniels (he hates bourbon), a bunch of sliced salami, some cans of stuff, and a couple apples from the tree at the end of the driveway!!! They were pretty awesome!!!!!! I think Don was sick of eating things like beef jerky and Doritos on the road!!!! I was too!!!
The next day we drove to this place called Meat Cove!!! It was a very scary road!!! It was very steep and twisted all over the place!!! I was very worried because I couldn’t remember the last time Don had his brakes serviced!!! Or his steering!!! I felt like Liana!!!!!
I kept telling myself the scary drive would be worth it when we finally got to Meat Cove with meat everywhere!!! But when we arrived, there were just a bunch of smelly kayakers!!! I think they ate all the meat!!!! Don looked pretty let down, but he could get meat anytime he wanted to!! As long as he remembered his wallet!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That was a good joke!!!!!
Don was disappointed, too!!! It was pretty disappointing for him considering he almost fear-pooped himself on the really scary road and there wasn’t even a bar there!!! Or a beach to fetch me on!!!!
So we went back to the nice little general store and Don got some hamburger to share for dinner!!!!!! It was much more meat than there was in Meat Cove!!!! Bwahahahahaha!!!!!
I like making jokes!!!!
The weather was really great until this day!!! Then it got pretty scary!!!! We were on top of an 80ft cliff, after all!!!! There was all kinds hail that made it sound like the little cabin was breaking apart!!!!! I had never seen hail before!!! It was NOT fun!!! The hail stung my nose and it made a racket on the house!!!! Those poor rabbits!!!! How did they protect their noses?!?!
Then we saw a waterspout and I was very scared!!!!! It could blow the house away if it veered towards us!!!! Then where would Don and I live?!?! Back down in Truro!?!?! That would be nice!!! Then Liana, Auggie and Zinnie could come up and visit us at the Dog Park on weekends!!!!!! And then we could all have frozen sardines after dinner like Canadian dogs!!!!
I was starting to really like life in Canada!!! But I missed Liana and Auggie and Zinnie pretty bad! They would love this place!!!
Don started to pick up all our stuff, police up the garbage, and do the dishes!! That’s how I knew we were going to leave soon!!! I hoped we would go back to the USA!!!! But with Don, you never know!!! We could end up in Zanzibar!!!! Oh Dog, I really wanted to go back to the country of my birth three years ago!!!! That’s the USA!!!!
The next morning we left when it was really dark out!!! I don’t even think I had digested my sardines from last night!!! There was snow on the ground, too!! Or maybe it was hail!! I don’t know! I thought Don might be skipping out on the rent!!! I wouldn’t put that past Don!! He’s pretty sketchy!!!
It was pretty boring on the way back!! Don did most of the driving!!!! He almost hit a moose!!!! It was huge!!!! Don stopped the truck so hard I flew off my seat!!!
We both had a lot of junk food!! My nose started to feel greasy!!!! Like one big zit!!!
Then in the middle of the day, in the middle of nowhere, Don pulled over and took a nap. A nap!!! In the truck!!! In the middle of the day!!!! In the middle of nowhere!!! When it was still light out!!!! Don was snoring like a bulldozer!!! I remember thinking, “LET ME OUT OF THIS CURSED TRUCK!!!!!!” Hahahah!!!!
Then it started to get dark again!!! I wondered if we were ever going to get back home!!!!
I got up in the front seat and put my head on Don’s arm!!! He stroked my head the way I really like it!! He really knows how to rub a dogs’ ears, that’s for sure!!!!! The murmur of the engine and the soft music made me go right to sleep!!
I woke up to the hum of the Southport bridge!! We were finally home!!!
When we got to the cabin driveway, Liana and Auggie and Zinnie were coming toward us in the garage floodlight!! Auggie and Zinnie were barking!! Maybe Liana and Don were barking, too!!!! I couldn’t tell, I was barking so loud at Auggie and Zinnie I couldn’t hear anything!!! Absolutely nothing!!!
Auggie had my Skunky toy. Zinnie licked me in the face. Don and Liana were talking excitedly. There was a cozy fire in the stove and dinner in my bowl.
It was good to be a world traveler. It was good to be back home.
~~ Marzipan Fin Tin Limb Bin Bus Stop F’tang F’tang Ole Biscuit Barrel Kingsbury
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