SPASTIC, FANTASTIC & ICONOCLASTIC – by Marz

Sep 1, 2024

RIGHT FROM THE START

Hi! I’m Marz!! I’m the 2yr & 225 day old Lab at Chez Salty!!! Why is it called Chez Salty?!?!?! I DON’T KNOW!!!! Hahahaha!!!! Do you?! You can tell me!!! I live here!!

BLACK AGAINST CHOCOLATE — **THIS WENT ON FOR 8 WEEKS!!!**

I’m a Chocolate Lab!!!! Don says Chocolate Labs taste the best out of all the Labs!!!! That’s an awful joke, Don!!! It’s very disrespectful to Chocolate Labs and all Labs in general!!! And it’s even worse than that stupid Melon Collie joke you tell all the time at the shop!!!! Can’t you hear the groans of all the nice Bipeds?!?!?! Are you deaf? They’re trying to tell you something!! I think it’s stop telling stupid jokes for Dog’s Sake!!!

I’m a Chocolate Lab!!! I always felt different from the other Labs in my litter!!! I had seven sisters and one brother!!! They were all Black!! I was the only Chocolate Lab!! They beat me up all the time!!!! They bit my head and my wee-wee!!!! Sometimes my only brother would beat me up so the girls wouldn’t beat him up!! I was also smaller than they were!!!! It was a very, very scary time!!!! I was very discriminated against right from the start!!!

FROM THE BLACK FRYING PAN TO THE KETTLE CALLING ME BLACK

I was taken from my racially-and-sexually-abusive whelping box and thrown into the Chez Salty Box!!!! There were three huge male Black Labs at Chez Salty!!!! Auggie, Max, and Teddy!!! They looked like thugs!!! They probably wanted to beat me up!!! Why couldn’t I have gone to a house with Goldens??? They’re fun!!! Labs hated me!!! Black Labs girls especially hated me!!! And that was my own family!!!! At least Chez Salty didn’t have any girl Black Labs!!!! They were cruel, sexist AND prejudiced against Chocolate Labs!!! At least they didn’t try to bite my wee-wee all the time like my sisters!!!

THREE BLACK DOGS — **DON’T LET THE SMILES FOOL YOU**!! THEY’RE THUGS!!!

On my first day at Chez Salty, Auggie bit me really hard on my head!!! It was my first day!!!! It was my first dinner!!! It was my only head!!! It really hurt!!! Aug bit me way harder than my sisters bit me!!!! At least my sisters let me eat dinner before attacking me!!!!!

Liana thought Auggie broke my jaw when he bit me on my first day!!!! Don was very mad and said I cost a lot of money!! He locked Auggie in the Dreaded Bathroom with no medicines or after-dinner snacks!!!! No doubt Aug was going to make me pay for that!!!! It was going to really cost me when Aug got out of The Gulag!!!

Liana drove me to the Emergency Vet in Scarborough (MVMC)!!!!! She drove very fast!!!! It was fun!! Sometimes Don says he thinks I’m brain damaged because Auggie bit my head that day!!! I’m not dumb, Don!!!! You’re the the dumby!!!

None of the big Black Labs at Chez Salty liked me!!! Aug bit my head!!!!!! Teddy ran away from me!!!! Max was scared of every room I was in. I felt so alone!!!!! They were huge, old Black Labs!!! They all weighed about 250 pounds!!!! I weighed only 9 pounds!!! I was in danger of being squashed!!! I was in constant fear for my life in those first days!! It’s not a condition a good dog can live with for very long!!!!

**“THAT STUPID CHOCOLATE LAB ISN’T STILL HERE, IS HE?”**

I was up Salty Creek without a paddle!!!!! What could I do?!?! How could I fit in????! I was 8-weeks old and 9 pounds!!!! At least there weren’t dozens of girl Black Labs swarming all over me and biting my head and naughty bits!!!!

They say if you get sent to prison, you should act all crazy and try to beat up the Alpha Male on your Cell Block straight away!!! But there were THREE Alpha males on the Chez Salty Cell Block!!!! FIVE if you counted Don and Liana!!!! There was no way I could win!!!!!

I did what I did best! I pretended that I liked getting beaten up!!! I also sucked up to Liana and Don!!! I went berzerk at random times!!! Don already thought I was nutso from Auggie’s head-bite!!! Now Liana asked the Vets if I was brain damaged!!! I stayed out of everyone’s way!!!! In those ways, I became ingratiated to the Chez Salty Black Labs!!!! And Don and Liana thought I was a dumb dog!!!!!

My plan was coming to fruition!!!!!

HARDLY ANY BLACK DOGS WORSHIP THE DEVIL ANYMORE

Before I came to Chez Salty, Don and Liana only ever had Black Labs!! They only had boys, too!!! There was Max, Auggie, Coal, Buddy, and Teddy!! They only had boy Black Labs for like a million years!!! Except for Liana!!! She was white and a girl!!!! She wasn’t a dog!!! Maybe that’s why I love her so much!!!!! She’s different!!!

I even heard Don tell customers that he only wanted Black Labs because all the couches and rugs at Chez Salty were black!!! That’s sick, Don!!! I ‘m worth less because my fur doesn’t match your couch?! That’s not funny!! It’s not funny at all!!! It makes me mad and sad at the same time!!!!

I AM NOT A COUCH!!! I AM A DOG!!!!!!! OK, sometimes I sleep on the couch when I’m soaking wet and I smell like rotten seaweed with associated filth!!! I wasn’t the only one!! Everydog did it!!!

That’s NOT NICE Don!! Chocolate and Yellow Labs are just like Black Labs!!! We can’t all be black!!!!! It’s just a fur-color!!!! OK?!?!?! Get over it!!! Don’t give in to the stereotypes!!! Not all Black Labs are aligned with Satan like Led Zeppelin would suggest!!! Not all Chocolate Labs are batshit crazy!!!! They might have just been bitten on the head!!!! And not all Yellow Labs are couch potatoes whose hair sticks to everything!!!!!

I don’t hate Black Labs!! Heaven’s no!! Some of my best friends are Black Labs!!!! Like Max, Auggie, and Teddy!! But I have other non-Chez Salty Black Lab friends who are still alive like Rudder and Otis!!!! And NOT ONE OF THOSE BLACK DOGS WORSHIP THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!

FUDGIE THE ICONOCLAST

I’m an iconoclast!!!! I’m an Iconoclast!!!! I didn’t even know what an iconoclast was until Auggie called me one!! I thought he was making fun of me!!! Auggie is always making fun of me!!! But I looked it up!!!!

iconoclast – noun
icon·o·clast — ī-ˈkä-nə-ˌklast
1: a person (or dog) who attacks settled beliefs or institutions

That’s me!!! I’m an iconoclast!! I attacked Don and Liana’s institution of only having male Black Labs!!! Don and Liana got Zinnie because of me!!! She’s a Yellow Lab. And a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

I taught Don and Liana fur-color and sexual-orientation tolerance!!! I taught them how to love All-Colored Labs and all sexes!!!!!! That’s ME!!!! Little Fudgie!!!!!

Sure, they liked the other Yellow Labs at Horn Cove like Tater and Bailey!!! But Don says he didn’t like Tater pooping all over our deck all the time!!! That’s pretty gross!!!! But it’s not a reason to hate ALL Yellow Labs, Don!!!

And even though Zinnie is a Girl, she never once tried to beat me up!!! She tried to bite me when I first met her!!!!! I probably deserved it!!!!!! I can be pretty pushy!!!! And all the things they say about Yellow Labs isn’t true!!! Zinnie isn’t a lazy couch potato or dumb!! And her hair isn’t like Velcro!!! Actually, I don’t know if her hair is sticky like Velcro!!!!

There were five Male Black Labs at Chez Salty when I arrived!!! Then there was me. Then Zinnie- the Yellow Girl Lab!!!

I’m an icon – o – clast!!! An Iconoclast!!!! That’s awesome!!!!! I wasn’t ever anything before!!! Now I’m special!!!! Maybe people will talk about me all the time!!! Like Don and Liana!!!!! They’ll talk about me for a long time!!!!!

A CRABBY DOG’S PRIVILEGE

Auggie is the last boy Black Lab at Chez Salty!!! He’s Super-Old!!! He’s probably more than a million years old!!!! He can’t even fetch anymore!!!! And he’s deaf!! He’s the one who bit my head when I was a pup!!

Maybe when Don and Liana need to get rid of a Black Lab from Chez Salty because the dog can’t fetch, they send him to the Gulag.

And what if one of their dogs bit them!!! Or maybe they stole one of Don and Liana’s breakfasts!!! Breakfast theft is a one-way trip to The Gulag, if you ask me!!!!

Auggie is still pretty crabby despite biting my head!!! Maybe Auggie is crabby because he thinks he’s next on the Black Lab “Gulag List” to meet the Great Black Dog of Death!!!! That’s horrible!!!!!

But maybe that’s why Don and Liana love Auggie more than me!!! Because they are going to put Auggie on the Gulag List soon!!!! They give him special treatment all the time!!! They give him bigger frozen applesauce cups!!! They give him extra medicines!! Auggie gets pole position in the big bed for snuggies!!! He gets to sit in the passenger seat of Don’s truck and get Dunkin’ Munchkins first!!! Auggie gets everything first!!!! He doesn’t even fetch anymore!! I don’t want to talk about it with him!!! He will probably bite my head again!!!! Like every Black Lab I ever met!!!!

**AUGGIE! AUGGIE! AUGGIE!! HI AUGGIE!! WANT TO DRAG RACE AUGGIE!! VROOM VROOM!!!!** HI AUGGIE!!!!

I can see why Auggie would try to bite me!!! Chez Salty said goodbye to Buddy, Max, and Teddy in the last three years! Losing that many friends in that amount of time would make anydog crabby!!! No matter what species, color, or how sexist they were!!!!

THE NEXT GREAT DOG YONDER

So what happens when Don and Liana finally send Auggie off to the Great Gulag of the Black Dog?!?! Hopefully Don and Liana get another Chocolate Lab like me!!! Maybe they could steal my half-sister, Tana!!! But she comes from a family of only GIRL Chocolate Labs!!!! She could be prejudiced!!!

**CAN YOU GUESS WHOM IS WHOM???? IS WHOM THE RIGHT CHOICE OF WORDS????**

Tana would be super fun at Chez Salty!! She loves to run everywhere she goes!!! Like me!!! She loves to fetch and swim!!!! Like me!!! But whatever dog Don and Liana adopt in the future, they’d better not let it mess with my Jolly Ball!!!

And one more thing!!!! Don and Liana had better not adopt one of those “exotic” Red or Silver Labs!!!!! They’re not even REAL LABS!!!!! Did you know that?!?!?! I bust my butt day-in, day-out at the shop as a BONAFIDE Lab!!!! People come into the shop just to see me!!!!

I met one of those “Red Labs!!” They smell like Red-Boned Hounds!!!! Silver Labs looked bleached!! One named Ponder stole my rubber football!!! That football was the best!!! I hate Silver Labs so much!!!! Give it BACK!!!

I can’t stand all those Phony Red and Silver Labs!!! Or Labradoodles!!!

Here’s a joke: “When is the party at the Dog Park over?”

Answer: “When the Labradoodle shows up!”

Bwahahaha!!!! Labradoodles bark all the time!!! And they’re very spastic, nervous and hypoallergenic!!!!! And please Dog, don’t let Don and Liana get a Chihuahua for their next dog!!! They’re very mean to me and can’t even fetch!!! They’re Land Piranhas!!! They try to bite my wee wee like my sisters!!!!

And don’t let me go on about how Bulldogs can’t even swim!! They have giant heads and tiny legs so they sink right to the bottom!!! And Beagles howl all the time and run off after smells!! Border Collies try to nip butts and ankles to herd everyone!!

And don’t even get me going on how much I dislike all the other dog breeds!!!! I could go on forever about them!!!! Why can’t they all be labs????

— Marzipan Fin Tin Limb Bin Bus Stop F*Tang F*Tang Ole Biscuit Barrel OUT