Poop Rules – by Auggie

Jul 1, 2017

I stand before you Augustus, the only dog worthy of your worship in this world. My intentions are neutral towards you. Where we go from here is up to you and your actions.

I know all you reprobates are expecting Big Dumb Buddy’s blog this month. I had to pre-empt his impaired little ditty to bring you this. It’s a critical point of order we need to discuss. And when I say “discuss,” I mean that I need you all to shut up, listen to me carefully, and do whatever I tell you immediately and without question.

Usually, I fascinate in this blog with unimaginably original jokes and light-hearted revelry. But in this blog we need to be serious. And inasmuch as it might seem beneath my talents to all you Fork-Users out there, we need to talk about poop. You read that right. DOG POOP.

WHY???????

Because the Boothbay Region Land Trust is considering banning ALL dogs from ALL their trails. And they are right to consider it. The trails are a complete morass of dog excrement. Read that again if you aren’t particularly bright so that it sinks in through the dense skull bones and into the grey matter you Bald Monkeys pride yourselves in.

If you are a loathsomely-dense Salad-Eater out there, let me put forth simple points by using ALL CAPS to simulate my shouting at you: NO ONE WANTS TO STEP IN DOG POOP. NOT EVEN DOGS! DOGS CAN’T PICK UP THIER OWN POOP. YOU NEED TO PICK UP YOUR DOG’S POOP!!! AND ONCE YOU’VE PICKED UP YOUR DOGS POOP, YOU NEED TO TAKE IT OFF-SITE. DON’T LEAVE IT AT THE KIOSK. DON’T LEAVE IT HANGING FROM TREES OR BUSHES OR IN THE PARKING LOT. AND DEFINITELY DON’T LEAVE IT BY THE SIGN TELLING YOU TO PICK UP YOUR DOGS POOP. YOU ARE RUINING THIS GREAT RESOURCE FOR THE RESPECTFUL PEOPLE WHO VALUE THESE TRAILS. YOU ARE RUINING IT FOR ALL DOGS, AND YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO YOUR SPECIES.

Great. Now I’m out of breath.

For the remainder of this blog, I promise that I shall write professionally and I shall address all you Thumb-Users out there with the respect and the dignity you think you deserve. I shall still use the most effective writing technique I have found with you Homo Sapiens: the bulleted point.

Poop Rule #1: Bring an ample supply of poop bags. The Boothbay Region Land Trust supplies FREE poop bags at every trail kiosk. Grab one or as many as you need. The Town of Boothbay Harbor gives out FREE poop bags. Grab a bunch. Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters sells lavender-smelling poop bags for $7.00 per 120 bags. We even give out poop bags in our Welcome Bags to the local hotels. They are of a very good quality and cheap. And they smell like lavender if you are particularly delicate. There is no excuse for you to leave poop anywhere.

Poop Rule #2: Pooping off the trail is encouraged! But let’s be clear here. 2ft off the trail is still poop on the trail. 5ft off the trail is still poop on the trail. 20-30ft off the trail in a wooded area is acceptable. And if your dogs get out of your car and just poop 10ft from the parking lot and you leave it there – YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Apologies for yelling if you are as angry as I am.

Poop Rule #3: Pack Out the Poop. If you scoop the poop and then leave it on the kiosk – YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Take your dog’s poop out with you and dispose of it. Also don’t leave it in the donation collection tube, in the parking lot, or anywhere but your vehicle for disposal. Hanging from trees (so you will presumably collect it later and forget it) IS REPREHENSIBLE. And don’t even get Don going on those people who leave poop bags on the corner by our shop as if somehow being the pet shop in Boothbay Harbor, it is our responsibility to collect every dog poop in the Harbor.

Poop Rule #4: Poop is Poop. If all you Homo Sapiens were pooping on the trails with the frequency and locations that dogs are, there is no way you would walk your dog and yourself through that mess unless you are particularly dim and/or live under a sheet of plywood with rats nibbling your extremities. Eventually there would be police dragnets, HAZMAT teams and embarrassing photos in the paper until all the perpetrators were caught. And most likely there would be innocent dogs caught up in a vortex of Salem Witch Trial-esqe persecutions.

Poop Rule #5: Don’t Let the 2% Win. My official judgement of your species is that there are 98% of you who are reasonable, upstanding humans with dignity and a strong sense of civic duty. Then there are the 2% of you who are pathetically worthless. My next comments are directed to the 98%.

No amount of hectoring, cajoling, fining, threatening, or nagging will change the Idiotic 2% in their ways. And remember this – if the Land Trust bans dogs, only responsible people will respect the ban. The Idiotic 2% won’t even notice and continue to use the trails. Where does that leave us? Still without trails to walk on. The only sane thing for the 98% to do is to compensate for the reprobates. Clean up after them.

Now hold on. Don’t get angry. Hear me out. No one wants to reward slothfulness. No one wants to let the lazy and lethargic put a leg up on them. But what are the choices? Abduct them and beat them with ballpeen hammers until they promise to pick up after their pets? As gratifying as that would be, it would be completely against the law. And this is one dog who always obeys the law.

The 98% needs to compensate for the 2%. Plain and simple. Take a couple extra bags with you, and if you see someone else’s poop on the trail, pick it up. At the very least, get a stick and flick it off the trail. Don and Liana will do this even with the little woodland creature’s poop. If you see that some dolt has left a bag of poop on the kiosk, don’t walk by it. Take it offsite along with your bag. Don and Liana keep a bag of gallon ziplock bags in the car just for this purpose.

Poop Rule #6: Make yourself heard. And if you see someone violating the Poop Rules – EXPRESS YOUR DISPLEASURE. Tell them what’s at stake for us all. Give them the worst stink-eye you can muster. And I encourage you to work on your worst stink-eye in the bathroom mirror until you perfect it. Don’t leave home without it.

Poop Rule #7: Make yourself heard. If you love the Land Trust trails like we do, donate. It’s the most powerful thing you can do to secure dogs on the trails. Let them know you have dogs and that you appreciate the trails. It doesn’t take 1,000’s of dollars. Just donate a couple dollars every year. Do it and hopefully you’ll feel an ownership that makes you care. We do.

In closing, throughout Thumb-User history, efforts have been made to eradicate the lazy and the irretrievably stupid. They have all failed and now we have people who let their dogs poop on The Boothbay Region Land Trust trails. We must deal with it. And when I say “we” I mean all you Fork-Users out there because dogs can’t pick up their own poop. Augustus will be here to guide you.

I Remain,

Augustus Megatron Bulldozer