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Mar 1, 2025
I noticed something!!! There’s a LOT more snow in the winter than in the summer! Why is that?!?! Why can’t the snow come in the summer when everything is super hot and swampy!! Snow is very refreshing, even in the winter!! And it’s everywhere! Except inside! Liana never lets it inside!!! Not even when Don comes in with snow on his boots!!
That’s nice, because after swimming at Hendrick’s Head Beach for 3 hours in 35-degree water when it’s -10 degrees out, then rolling in rotten, frozen seaweed, it’s nice to come back to a warm bed without any snow on it and get all the beach rot off you!!!
There aren’t many people or dogs at the beach in the winter! I like that a lot, because in the summer there’s always a bunch of crazy Doodles stealing tennis balls!!! I think they’re a gang!!! Or with the Mafia!!!
When Don throws the tennis ball, I run after the tennis ball!!! It’s pretty simple!! But the Doodles chase after me when I have the tennis ball!! They chase after me and try to nip my bum!!! How crazy is that?!?! Why would a dog want to nip my bum?!?! Doodles are cuckoo-nutso!!!
And if they get the ball, they never give it back!! Not to me, or any Biped so they can throw it again!! It’s a very stressful situation for me!!! I’m a Fetch Dog, and that’s what fetching is all about, you crazy Doodles!!! It’s about jumping into the ocean after the tennis ball and making big splashes!!! It’s about bringing it right back to the Biped, so they can throw it again immediately!!! It’s NOT about running around with my ball in your mouth for hours!!! And the Doodle’s Bipeds don’t care at all!!! They think it’s very funny!!!
I am not a joke you Biped savages!! I am a Fetch Dog!!! I want my ball back!!!
But what can I do about it!? Get my bum nipped all day by crazy Doodles?!?! Follow the Doodle with my tennis ball around the beach like an attendant?!?! Sometimes Don or Liana will throw another tennis ball for me! Do you know what happens?!?! The Doodle drops the first tennis ball and comes after the second and tries to bite my bum!!!!!
Sometimes I run after the Doodle with my second tennis ball, but I give up pretty quick because chasing after a Doodle with your stolen tennis ball is like wrestling a pig in a pile of poopie!! Pretty soon you realize the pig likes wrestling around in poopie!! Bwahahaha!!!! That was a funny joke!!! I heard Don say it about the Pownal Planning Board!!! Don is so funny!!!! What’s a pig?!
Do you know who else likes the winter? Zinnie! That’s who! She’s only been at Chez Salty since June! I didn’t know if she would like the winter as much as Auggie and me!!!
She LOVES it!!
She likes to squiggle back and forth in the snow on her back!!! What a weirdo!!! Don says she’s just making Snow Dog Angels! I think she’s just scratching her back the only way she can!! Why don’t Bipeds scratch our backs more often? Would it kill you to help a dog out, Don??
Auggie still loves the winter too! Don still calls him his “Little Blizzard Buddy,” even though Auggie is about a billion years old and can’t go out in the snow for long walks on the snowmobile trails the way he used to!!! Sometimes Don brings us to this huge field and walks Auggie and me around it on all the snowmobile tracks!! And Auggie gets so happy!!!
It’s pretty impressive watching old videos of Auggie marching around in the deep, whirling snow!! But now he can’t even go out and poop in the snow!! Liana has to shovel off places for him to go poopie!! And Don says he worries about the coyotes sneaking up and attacking Auggie when he’s alone going poopie!! Don keeps a shotgun at the door just for that reason!! He never worried about it before because Aug was always so crabby and such a good fighter! Hahaha!!! Believe me, I know Auggie is a good fighter!!!! He bit my head really hard the first day I got to Chez Salty!!!!
@twosaltydogs Blizzard Fun Day with the Boys Max, Auggie, and Buddy the Black Labs. I miss you Buddy! #Blacklab #Blizzard #Maine #Snow
♬ original sound – twosaltydogs
The best part about winter is that we get to stay in the Barrel House right across the street from the shop! There are tons of treats across the street and the commute is the best!! Sometimes the commute is a lot longer because Don drives us all over the place for Walkies and Fetching!! Sometimes it’s a super-long time!! Sometimes I can’t stand it!!! Don says I’m a “Whiny Little Bitch!!”
Another good thing about living at the Barrel House is that Don likes to go drink at Pier One Pizza for a long time!!! Sometimes he gets pizza, too!! But mostly he just goes down and drinks himself stupid!!! Sometimes he brings ME and drinks himself stupid!! It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, it’s the best!!! PIER ONE PIZZA IS THE BEST!!!!
Sometimes Don will even bring Zinny down to Pier One with me!!! Mostly he brings her separately, but a couple times he brought us both!! He does it when he’s doing something called Day Drinking!!! I still can’t figure out how anyone or anydog can drink day!!
You’d think there would be dog mayhem and they would kick us out!!!! Not just any dog can get in! It takes a lot of training!!! For example, no dogs are allowed on the pizza side!! This stinks because it smells so much better on the pizza side than on the booze side!! It smells like pizza!! Wait!?! What did I say!?!?! Stinks??? Smells better?!?! I don’t know what I’m talking about! Pizza always smells better than booze!!!
Don is pretty nice too!! It’s a fantastic change!
Anyway, if we obey the rules, Bipeds will give us little crusts of pizza!!! They will even give Don a couple bits!! You don’t have to go in the pizza side to get pizza!! You just have to be a good dog! Or a good drunk!!
Don brought Auggie to Pier One all the time when he was young, but Auggie is deaf now!! He can’t hear when he needs to come back to Don!! He can hear Don when he says to get out of the Pizza Side!! You need to have good recall to hang out at Pier One Pizza!! It’s a very exciting place!! Everything moves fast!! One minute you’re asleep under Don’s wet boots, and the next someone’s trying to drag you out of the shop to a dog-fighting ring in Connecticut when Don’s in the bathroom!! So unfortunately, Auggie can’t come with us!!! That makes me very sad!!! I hope I never get to be a bjillion years old!!!
Haha! Just kidding!! Attempted dog abductions only happen in summer!!!
Sometimes Zayla is there!! She’s such a good dog!!! She’s always so happy and she’s very pretty!!! I think she likes me because if there are no Bipeds around, she chases me all around the bar!!! It’s super fun!!! And it builds up quite an appetite!! Sometimes we have so much fun the Bipeds have to separate us and Don gives us each a pig ear!!! I think Zayla is beautiful and fun!! I wish she was my girlfriend!!! I would give her a hundred pig ears I stole from the shop if she was my girlfriend!!!!
All the Bipeds are so happy watching us have fun!!! They eat pizza and drink booze!!! The more booze the Bipeds drink, the more generous they get with their pizza crusts!! Haha!!! Don should come up with a geeky mathematical equation about it!!! That would take a lot of time!!
And no dog is allowed behind the bar with the bartenders for any reason at all!!! It is a forbidden place!!! Not even to get the little food bits stuck in the mats!!! Don says the bartenders are working, and I’m just being a needy little pain in the butt!!! I’m just trying to help them clean the mats, Don!!! Sheez!!!
No dogs are allowed in the bathrooms or storage, either!!! Don’t even try!! You’ll just give us well-behaved dogs a bad name!!
Don says the bathroom contains the very meaning of life!! He says it’s right on the toilet!!! It must be a very special toilet!! Only Bipeds can go in the bathroom!! It must be a religious thing or something!! Don says a long time ago he read a book called The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams!! These Bipeds built a giant computer so they could find the meaning of life, the universe, and everything!! The computer thought for a super-long time and after about a million years it said, “42.” I don’t know why 42 is the answer!!! Maybe it was Jackie Robinson’s toilet!!! All I know is that it’s a relief to pee when you have a lot of pee!!
Sometime I’m going to sneak into the bathroom and check it out!!! The dog water bowl is right next to the bathroom!! When I’m brave enough, I’ll make a break for it!!! I’m pretty sure the answer to life is a foot-long steak and cheese some waitress dropped on the floor!!! Or maybe a whole room full of tennis balls with no Doodles for 300 miles!!!!
Pier One Pizza isn’t the only bar a Salty Dog has been in over the years! Heaven’s no!! Max, Auggie, Coal and Buddy were running all over the bars in this town before I was even born!!! Even Teddy came down to Pier One in the winter!!! And Teddy hated everything!!!! Especially me!!
And dogs aren’t even old enough to drink!! Not unless you count dog years!! Some of those really small yappy dogs can probably drink, though!!! They live a long time! They try to bite my legs!! I even saw one of them driving a car once! It’s true!!!
In the summer, just about every business in Boothbay Harbor has a dog water bowl outside!! What makes Pier One Pizza’s water bowl so different? Their water bowl is inside, so it’s cigarette butt-free!!
Pier One actually cleans their water bowl and fills it with fresh water!!! Can you believe that!?! Most places in Boothbay Harbor don’t clean their water bowl properly and just let it sit outside and fill up with rainwater and whatever else blows into it from the sidewalk!! Like Tigger Leather. They use a plastic bowl!! The water in the plastic bowl is a stinky, goopy, algae-ridden puke machine!!! I had to drink from Tigger Leather’s plastic bowl one summer because I was on a boat all morning and desperate!!! I was sick for 3 days!!!! I was very thirsty at the time!!! We were on the boat all day!! It was NOT a fun three days!! My nose was very dry and warm!!! That’s not how I like to have my nose!!!!
And let me say this this right now to you idiot Bipeds who put beer in the dog water bowl at Pier One!!! You should be strung up by your your thumbs!!! Hops is poisonous to dogs!!! Did you know that?!?! A full glass of IPA can kill a dog!!! Or at the very least make the dog poopie its brains out on the carpet for a week!!!
Whiskey, vodka, and Everclear are NO better!!!!!
MONSTERS!!!!!!
The Bipeds at Pier One Pizza are so super-duper friendly! They’re always rubbing my head and giving me snacks! It’s the best!! They really love dogs!! It’s especially the best on Tuesday night for something called Triviality Night!! It’s not trivial, though!! There are dozens and dozens of Bipeds there every week!! Everyone and everydog has such a great time!!!
I wish Don and Liana would invite everyone over to the Barrel House after trivia so I could show them my giant tennis ball!! Maybe a we could go play fetch on the lawn!! I don’t know why Don and Liana don’t do that!!! They have enough bully sticks for everyone!!!
Then on Thursdays, Pier One Pizza has something called Car-O-Key!! It’s really fun!!! All the Bipeds sing!! Sometimes they let me sing, too! That is so awfully fun!!! I think the Bipeds trade car keys based on how well they sing!!! It’s such a fun time even though I don’t have a car!!!
It was tough getting used to Pier One, but now I know how everything works!! I have such a great time there!! I used to wonder what Don was doing when he left me at the Barrel House with a pig ear and Bar Rescue blaring on the TV!! Now I know!!! It’s much better going to Pier One than sitting at the Barrel House with Bar Rescue on the TV for hours!!!
Much, much much better!!!!
There’s usually no pizza anywhere in the Barrel House, either!! And the only tidbits are in the garbage!!! Don gets super-mad if you get into the garbage!!! Take my word on this!!! Don’t try it with his garbage!!!! He’ll lock you in the Dreaded Closet for a super-long time!!!!
That’s it for this month!!!! see you at Robinsons Wharf for St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!
~~ Marzipan Fin Tin Limb Bin Bus Stop F*tang F*tang Ole Biscuit Barrel
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3 replies on “MAINE WINTERS ARE THE BEST!!! – by MARZ”
I shouldn’t read you while I’m in a meeting! People wonder what I’m laughing at! My favorite line….One minute you’re asleep under Don’s wet boots, and the next someone’s trying to drag you out of the shop to a dog-fighting ring in Connecticut when Don’s in the bathroom!! Great writing!
This is the adult version of making someone laugh so hard milk comes out their nose. Thanks Doug!
Ha ha! The bartender who took that pic said, “Can’t you use a goddamn coaster?”