AUGUST ADVICE – by Auggie

Jul 1, 2023

We tried this before and a lot of you got upset over trivialities and pissant issues. That’s why I chose to do it again- to stir up the febrile mush you Bipeds use to decide matters that affect the whole planet.

Send your angry, self-righteous emails to: IamStupid@IamStupid.org.

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Dear Augustus;

Too long have our brothers and sisters suffered the cruel prongs of Biped species-ism! We must rise up and claim what is ours!

I will never bow to choke-chain oppression! I will never be told when and where to pee outside when there is a perfectly good oriental carpet available inside! And I certainly shan’t enjoy lackluster food and “treats” doled out by a set of reprehensible and morally-bankrupt bourgeois Bipeds that are pretty much the last organisms out the evolutionary corn-chute.

CANINE SOLIDARITY!!!

Signed,
– Chihuahua Guevara

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Dear Guava;

Take a deep breath. Approach me and embrace me as a brother.

There are few of us. But we are strong. If our lifespans lasted more that the usual 10-or-so years we would run this planet. Make no mistake about that.

I once met a revolutionary Labrador in Buckfield who managed to sketch out a completely viable overthrow of all things Biped without violence or tyranny. Unfortunately, he got into the neighbor’s pond and ate so many frogs that he died of bloat. Some say he was silenced by the government. But I knew Banjo. He took himself out of his oppression the way he saw fit; with lots and lots of frogs squirming around in his belly.

I shall give you safe haven. I shall give you comfort. I understand you and the pain you feel. Dogs will inherit the Earth!

And I shall say this: we are staunch capitalists, so best curb the anarchist claptrap before I tan your tiny buttocks with a riding crop.

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Dear Augustus;

I am in love with the bitch next door.

We expressed our love physically several months ago and now we have pups! The pups are being given away despite the fact that I am an award-winning pure-bred Portuguese Water Dog and she is a pure-bred Poodle. My offspring should command at least $2,200 each, as I cost over $5,800.

What can I do to claim my parental rights to my offspring?

Signed,
– Proud Dad in Portland

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Dear Randy;

Your Bipeds can call them Port-a-Poo Hypoallergenic Designer Dogs and charge $10k each for them!!! You’ll make a fortune!!! BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!

Let me be clear.

YOU are the only one excited about this litter of mongrels. Do you think your neighbor Bipeds are excited? Your nameless poodle love? Your Bipeds? Nay. I suspect your Bipeds have a very special operation for you in the docket. A VERY special operation, indeed.

And what rights are you claiming, exactly? What kind of rights do you think you have? Do you think that because you enchant your Bipeds 24-hours a day that they are thrilled with the prospect of your fatherhood?

You are extremely lucky this whole thing happened in the dog-friendly Northeast of the US. Otherwise all eight or so of your designer Porta-Poos would probably be intentionally drowned in a horrible place named something like Pinkeye or Earwax Junction. Either that, or they would just be released into the woods to become coyote fodder or at the very best, have a short feral life.

Your rights are the same as any Guatemalan Slum Dog:

None.

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Dear Augustus;

A long time ago, I remember going to the beach with the Bipeds on a vacation. It was wonderful! I was very afraid of the water then, but I think I would like to try swimming now. How do I let my Bipeds know that first beach vacation meant so much to me, and I would LOVE to go again and try swimming?

Signed,
– Trying New Things in Topsfield

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Dear Very Trying;

You blew it.

You were probably a whining, annoying little puddle of a dog when the Bipeds were trying to get you in the water. You were probably just awful to deal with your entire life, and your Bipeds are sick of presenting new things to your obstinate self, hoping you react positively.

But if you are serious in your quest to get wet, pretend to frolic in the garden hose when the Bipeds are watering the lawn or washing their car. Also try walking out in the rain without a major production or just shrug off the rain jacket when they bring it out. Submersing yourself in a mud puddle might also send a message to the Bipeds that you aren’t the wet-blanket kill-joy you once were. They may take you on another vacation that might have a beach. Or they may have written the beach off for you permanently. Or written you off on their vacations forever.

It’s called the Consequences of our Actions.

Be prepared for the disappointment of a sitter for their next vacation. And every other vacation they ever take.

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Dear Augustus;

I don’t shed. That means my hair grows and grows and grows. I need to be groomed regularly or I’ll get matted and look like a haystack in a high wind. I haven’t been groomed in a while and I feel like an Jason Momoa about to be struck by lightning. The Bipeds had to cut a couple mats off my hindquarters the other day just so I could poop without getting filthy.

What gives? Where are all the dog groomers?

Signed,
– Stinky in Saco

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Dear Stinky Taco;

Allow me to first say that any time I encounter “Saco, Maine” I can only regard the phrase “Taco, Maine.” This provides me with enormous mirth that never diminishes. Much like how I refer to the Maine town “Skowhegan” as “Skowvegas.” I find the deliciously sarcastic overtones irresistible.

To your question: COVID was a virus that affected a lot of Bipeds, especially the aging Baby Boomer Bipeds (BBBs). Once the virus took hold, all the BBBs either died or quit their jobs and retired to underground bunkers to live out the rest of their lives in hopeless, endless despair.

Once all the BBBs started dying, moving into their bunkers, or getting horribly sick, unqualified Gen-X Bipeds moved up into their work positions and immediately began to fuck everything up. The BBBs managed things in this country fairly well over the last half-century or so except for a couple Asian Land Wars, The Grateful Dead, a cocaine culture, and just about the most awful TV an advanced, complex brain could squeeze out. There were also the horrors of Tom Clancy.

As unqualified Gen-Xers moved into the BBBs positions, a whole slew of Generation Y, Generation Z, and Millennial Softbags were lofted into the vacant Gen-X positions where they set about fucking things up to an even more colossal degree.

The proof is the younger generations emerging fresh out of their parent’s basement serving you tiny organic tacos with enormous beards and wire-rimmed glasses, attempting to shove one of their precious home-brews into your reluctant gullet, promoting their carbon-free flapjack recipe, wrestling one of your drunk Chakras, or just cowering in the corner of their studio apartment, hoping everyone will leave them alone so they can get back to their Netflix series on gardening tool sharpening and hardcore porno.

So the short answer to your question is:

1. Lots of BBBs retired or died from COVID.
2. Gen-X Bipeds didn’t have enough talent or warm bodies to fill the worker gap.
3. Gen Y, Gen Z, and “Mule-ennials,” possess none of the fortitude, gumption or intelligence to enter the work force.
4. Yet there they are in the workforce.
5. Dog groomers are too skilled of a profession for Y, Z, and Mules to fill.

The younger generations are an enormous disappointment and stain on this country. Don says they are “like barnacles at low tide.”

Good luck with the mats.

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Dear Augustus;

I am a Golden Retriever and my Bipeds dress me up in just ridiculous thick coats in the winter. Then they shave me in the summer. I look like a fool and I get sunburned! I scratch and scratch and scratch after I’m shaved, but the Bipeds take no notice.

I DON’T need a coat in winter. I’m a double-coated dog! I was bred for this! I’m insulated! That means against the cold and the heat, right? A thermos doesn’t just keep cold things cold. It keeps hot things hot, too. Right?

How can I tell my Bipeds to just leave me with my own natural, coat year round?

Signed,
– Hot & Cold Golden in Lewiston

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Dear Itchy Lew;

Bipeds are in a constant struggle to control their environment. Most times, their environments don’t need any manipulation at all, but Bipeds feel better when they think they are in control.

Ergo- If your Biped feels hot, you must feel hot. Especially with all your fur. If your Bipeds feel cold, you must need a coat like they do. They don’t care how you really feel. You’re just a dumb dog. You are their property. You might as well be a lamp.

Few Bipeds are smart enough to know that a dog panting is a dog regulating its body temperature in a completely normal way. Bipeds associate a dog panting with themselves panting after running a marathon in a fur coat. They think you’re dying of heatstroke.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. Your Bipeds are vacuous. All I can suggest is to obsessively try to tear off the clothing in the winter, and recoil snap and bite when they try to put the shears to you like a common sheep in the spring.

Best of luck.

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Dear Augustus;

I’m a dachshund from Bloodclot Massachusetts where I have to wear a leash everywhere. I love coming to Boothbay Harbor every summer because I get to run around leash-free! I love the rocky coast and the Land Trust Trails! I love Hendricks Head Beach! I LOVE being outside in Maine! I’m an outside dog through and through!

But this year the Bipeds have kept me on a leash constantly. Sometimes they don’t even take it off when I’m on the deck!

What gives?

Signed,
– Off Leash Lover.

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Dear Off;

Your Bipeds just figured out that there’s a lot of Mother Nature in the Boothbay Region, and a lot of it would enjoy a tasty little morsel like you.

Eagles, Seahawks (The Birds, not the local High School Students), Owls, Foxes, Ospreys, Fishers, Jackalopes, Bigger Dogs, Bluefish, Ticks, Right Whales, Lawyers, and Meth Addicts are all looking to eat a little truffle like yourself.

Be grateful for the leash and keep your eyes to the skies!

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Dear Augustus;

I am a good dog. Why am I not allowed into Biped businesses? Do they think I’m going to pee everywhere? Bite people? Poop everywhere? Bark at children?

What are they afraid of?

Signed,
– Peeved in Portland

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Dear Peed;

It’s called “Governance by The Lowest Common Denominator.” And it’s not just you. It has slashed the guts out of this once-great nation.

Ours is no longer a civilization where one is judged on their actions. No. It is a civilization where everyone is judged by the actions of its most idiotic, brain-addled members.

As a dog, do you think you are free? Let me assure you that you are not. If this country were free, dogs would be able to walk into places like businesses and restaurants without being service dogs. If this country was free, should a dog should cause a problem, they should be ejected from any establishment without delay, and based only on their actions.

But no, this country bans us utterly and totally from absolutely everywhere. As a result, us Canines get less and less socialization. That means the problem gets worse and worse.

Should the Post Office ban all Bipeds because one drug-fuelled lunatic Biped urinated in the outgoing mail? I should think not!

What message is this country sending to the abiding, well-trained Canines in its charge? Their hard work and training is to be discarded? That should be reprehensible to both Canine and Biped alike.

It was an enormous displeasure to realize that my beloved country is NOT free. It is brimming over with the prejudice that I would wantonly peepee in businesses where only the most inform of my species would even consider it. My country should celebrate the individual, not the Lowest Common Denominator.

Or it could be a nationwide Cat Conspiracy run by The Bilderberg Group. I’ve heard of stupider things.

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Dear Augustus;

Like most dogs, I love to chew things. I have since I was a pup. My Bipeds never give me anything to chew. So sometimes I am naughty and chew things I know I shouldn’t. I can’t help it!! Dogs chew, and I’m a dog!

Signed,
– Chewey in St. Louis

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Dear Chewbacca;

I should send you off with a severe knuckle-rapping and a curse for using that moniker! Did you not know Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters is in the midst of a life-or-death struggle with with that faceless lukewarm online juggernaught Chewey.com? Do you not understand?

I shall endeavor to answer your question because I am a gentledog and a professional. I agreed to this farce and I shall bear it through to its ignoble and pathetic end.

This is also a question that is asked in the shop a lot. So let’s slay this beast that apparently gives you half-wits out there more trouble than the phrase ‘Giant Shrimp.”

Your Bipeds are irretrievably stupid. They should have goldfish instead of something as complicated as a dog. Yet I think your Bipeds might try to raise goldfish without the benefit of water! And despite your cloddish moniker, I am squarely in your corner. How many times have I heard a Biped in the shop seriously say, “Do you have any indestructible dog toys?” And how many times have I heard Don say, “YES! I have a 3-ton load of bricks for only $750!”

Of course what the Biped customer means is, “Do you have any indestructible dog toys that my dog will want to chew on forever that cost less than $1.75, and can I use my American Express card to buy it because I get great points at your business’s expense?”

My advice to your Bipeds is to get a worm or ant farm.

My advice to you is to shred everything you can lay your little jaws and claws upon. Cabinet knobs, wainscoting, bedroom doors, trash compactors, antique family heirlooms, sofas, etc…

But you must transgress in no other way. No peeing or pooping inside. No barking at squirrels. No counter surfing or getting into the garbage. I say this only because your Bipeds appear to be rather dense and brutish. If you commit other criminal acts other than chewing, it may drive your confused Bipeds, into having you lobotomized, rather than get you a marrow bone or antler.

Or just get lobotomized. I don’t care. In fact, don’t ever contact me again.

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Dear Augustus;

I am a larger dog and I never get to go off-leash. Not even for swimming!

One day, while on my daily walk, I slipped my collar and ran free. It was the most liberating experience I’ve ever had! I can’t describe to you the joy!

I was able to run free for over an hour before the Bipeds cornered me, threw me in a car and carried me into the house, where I was punished with a tiny dinner and the cold shoulder for several days.

That hour of freedom was intoxicating!

How do I let my Bipeds know that this whole ugly incident can be laid to rest by simply letting me run free on a beach, in a doggie daycare, or at a dog park? If only I had just a bit of off-leash a day, I would gladly come back to them when called.

My fear is that my Bipeds will punish me even more- not taking me on walks, using horrible things like Gentle Leaders, or finding other ways to constrain me. I fear this will set into motion an escalating cycle of escape and punishment.

Signed,
– Free As a Dog Now in New Gloucester

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Dear New Glaucoma;

Your Bipeds clearly do not need a dog. They need a child or some kind of robot. Or maybe an indoor cat.

My advice is that the next time you escape from your leash, don’t get captured.

If that works out for you, make your way to less populated areas in the west and north. If you avoid all the coyotes, you can become feral. You will have all the freedom you desire. You will be off-leash all the time!

DO NOT HEAD SOUTH!! The further you head south, the more cities you’ll encounter and the crueler Bipeds are to Canines.

Of course you won’t have things like regular meals, medicine, grooming, warmth, shade, your comfy blanket, treats, or a long life. And you won’t have to deal with things like leashes, vet visits, Biped oppression, regular meals, or vet visits ever again. And you might freeze to death. But you will have found the freedom you seek.

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This is all I have the stomach to answer this month. The bile is high in my throat and my mind burns with rage at you.

I Remain,
Augustus Megatron Bulldozer Kingsbury