Ask Augustus – by Auggie

Mar 1, 2019

Good Day, you drunken gadabouts.

I am often unfairly criticized for being too harsh. However, in the interests of ceasing your incessant e-prattle, I am now going to answer questions submitted by you – the confused and chunky canine hordes of America. I do this without anger and in the genuine hopes of helping my fellow canines.

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Dear Augustus,
The Bipeds feed me the same food every day. How can I let them know I like a little variety in what I eat? The food they give me is quite good, but as the wise dog said, “Variety is the spice of life!”

Signed – Bored with Breakfast in Bangor

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Dear Boring,
Have you tried ripping their faces off when they least expect it? Bwahaha!!!! I’m obviously kidding because no matter how well you ripped off their faces, you would still be left with your same old awful food in the bin with no one to open it for you. So the question becomes, “How can I either force or dupe the Bipeds into changing my food often?”

Every time they feed you, you could look dolefully up at them and hope that they can read your mind like in some hackneyed Disney movie. That’s never going to happen. The answer is to poop and throw up on the carpet.

If you poop and throw up on the carpet repeatedly, the Bipeds will think you have a stomach problem. They will probably bring you to the vet and give you just awful tasting medicine. But if you stick to your guns and keep pooping and throwing up on the carpet, the Bipeds will eventually change your food because the carpet means more to them than you. Repeat as necessary.

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Dear Augustus,
I am usually a pretty easygoing dog, but whenever the Bipeds leave me alone I get very anxious and I pace around the house drooling. I don’t know what comes over me, but when the Bipeds arrive back, the couch is shredded, the kitchen drawers are pulled out, and the Bipeds are furious. HELP!

 

Signed – Anxious Affenpinscher in Augusta

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Dear Whateverpinscher,
You disgusting milksop. Get a hold of yourself. Whenever the Bipeds leave, you need to FOCUS. You need to realize that they will be coming back, and coming back soon. That’s why you need to forget the kidstuff things like furniture and kitchen drawers and go right for the refrigerator and the garbage.

You’re going to get the evil eye for a long time anyway. Why not make it for something memorable like devouring a defrosting roast and pounds of cheese instead of a stupid couch that tastes like a couch? You need to think like a mature dog instead of a whelp. Good Luck.

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Dear Augustus,
I’m a smaller dog who enjoys going out of doors all the time. Except when it’s raining. I’m very brave when meeting other dogs and Bipeds but for some reason whenever it’s raining out, I become frozen and can’t go outside even to pee or poop. Any suggestions?

Signed – Washed Out In Windham

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Dear Washout,
“Smaller Dog”? “Brave”? You mean “Yappy, Fluffy, Little Ball of Hate.” I see your type all over the place – big, loud, fluffy terror-balls when I’m on a leash, but a scuttling little fluffy terrified-ball when I’m ready to rumble.

What you need is a big dose of neglect. Your problem is that your Bipeds coddle you and treat you like an impaired child. You’re a soft-headed weanling who gets fed from his Biped’s plate and hasn’t even experienced anything dog-like in your pathetic, pampered life.

Want to conquer your fear of the rain? Why not spend a Maine winter night outside the house with the owls, foxes, and subzero temperatures without a comfy blankey or large bed? You’d be amazed how that one night can change your world view. I guarantee after your overnight adventure outdoors, you will gratefully pee and poop in hurricanes.

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Dear Augustus,
I’m a purebred Chesapeake. My line is a noble and cold-water, dead bird, fetch-based breed as you are.

What’s up with these half-breeds and mutts I see coming from the shelter? Can they fetch? Can they swim? What is their value if they are not from a proud lineage?

Signed – Proud Chessie in Passadumkeag

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Dear Dumbkeag,
You sir, are a rube. I shan’t stand for breedism in any way, state, or form. I realize Chesapeake Bay Retrievers are enormously obtuse, so I will use small words and simple sentence structure in the hope I can reach you.

Before you pat yourself on the back for being a noble breed, you should know that “Tater” – a neighbor’s pure bred Yellow Labrador Retriever – would fetch cobble-sized rocks and was as dumb as a snowbank. He also pooped on our deck frequently. Did you know that pure breed Irish Setters were once a proud hunting dog, but now have no discernible use other than making Biped families feel warm and fuzzy?

Furthermore, the best fetching dog I have ever encountered was a mongrel named “Evan.” We battled viciously for the title of “Supreme Fetch Dog Throughout all the Land.” I have never met a more noble or worthy adversary. I should say that Evan would collapse your elitist world view as easily as you write stupid things to advice columns.

We are CANINES whether we are the most Toy of Poodles, the most Great of Danes, or anything in between. Whether we are from purebred lines or the streets of a Guatemalan slum, we are brothers and sisters.

Take that back to Passadumkeag and suck on it.

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Dear Augustus,
I’m a self-sufficient, social, well-trained dog of older years. Now that I’m older I’d like to have a companion. I think the Bipeds sensed my longing and got a little puppy.

“Eddie” claws my face. He takes all my toys and shreds them, He wolfs down his food and then comes to my bowl looking for more. Perhaps the most disturbing thing is that Eddie absolutely refuses to listen to me and he yaps all the time at nothing. How can I get the Bipeds to bring him back to the shelter?

Signed — Not Yappy and Unhappy

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Dear Unyappy,
This is the classic Greek tragedy: Dog Wish. Dog Get. Dog Regret. Forget them bringing “Eddie” (what a ghastly name) back to the shelter. They spent a bunch of money on him and all his stuff. Also, you’re on your way out.

Your only hope is to be an insufferably grumpy old man. Show your teeth. Growl. Raise your tail and your hackles straight up in the air. Show this usurper who’s boss. Don’t take any guff. Bark menacingly if Eddie gets close to your food bowl or treats.

You don’t have to become a frothing-at-the-mouth rabid cur and be angry all the time. You just have to be angry when “Eddie” is bothering you. The alternative is you having Eddie hanging off your lower lip for the rest of your short submissive life.

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Dear Augustus,
I like my Bipeds to pick up my poop. Am I wrong? Sometimes I’ll poop twice so I can see them pick it up twice. But I don’t want to make my Bipeds angry. Am I making them angry?

Signed – Boothbay Pooper

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Dear Poopy,

We all know this is you, Buddy. Shut up.

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The next time we do this I shall refrain from using such flowery prose.

I remain,
Augustus M.B. Kingsbury