9 Questions Not to Ask Don or Dog – by Auggie

Oct 1, 2016

Hello all you thronging rabble. It is I, your Beloved and Benevolent Canine Overlord ~ Augustus Megatron Bulldozer. Please be seated.

The rumors are true. I have in my possession the best toy in the world. I dare say even better than pink piggy. It is like pink piggy in every aspect except that it resembles something called an “Underdog.” And if I squeeze it appropriately, it will say “There’s no need to fear, Underdog is here!” What a delicious take on all the same old boring toys the Bread-Eaters are always stuffing in my snout! Perhaps if you stop by the shop sometime and you exhibit decent hygiene and several brain cells that work in unison I will show you Underdog. Then again, maybe I won’t. In fact, don’t get your hopes up.

Of course I can’t let Fatso’s (Editor’s Note: Max’s) last missive about all the food he wants to cram into his happy, smiling gullet go unmentioned. How much food does a dog need? And I most certainly DO NOT drool on people’s shoes and beg for food. I find that offensive in the extreme. It IS true that I was sent to the Dreaded Bedroom by Don, but the Dead-Nose party guest was slobbering on himself! The food he was eating was so succulent that he was drooling on himself and I – Virtuous Augustus – paid the price. Even as Don was dragging me away, the Dead-Nose in question said “It’s OK! He’s not bothering me!” I rest my case. Let us never speak of it again.

This is the time of year when all of us in the Boothbay Region are burned out. It is the time of year when we can be a little snippy and/or short with our visitors and each other. So I am writing the following as a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT to give all you 10-Toed Bipeds out there some helpful suggestions about your next trip to our shop. Namely questions not to ask Don or Dog. Mind you, I do this WITHOUT ANGER, and only with the hope of bettering the shop and all you cretins out there. So here it is. And I will count them down in order of annoyingness so that it builds to a suitable crescendo for your reading pleasure.

(#9) “How long do you stay open?” – Don says “6 o’ clock, or until the wife calls.” Of course that rube knows the customer is asking how long we stay open in the season, but he’ll make them ask the second question EVERY SINGLE TIME. Nice guy. Please don’t make me hear this one again. Please? I loathe it more than that serious bacterial skin infection I had two summers ago.

(#8) “That short fence keeps your dogs in?” – Referring to the 18-inch fence out in back of the shop between our beds and the road. As Buddy the Dimly-Lit Wonderdog said, “The fence isn’t to keep us in. It’s to keep you out.” If Buddy can figure this out, why can’t you Homo Sapiens with years and years of mandatory school? And DO NOT step over the fence. The only thing that will happen is that I will bark and Angry Don will come out to give you an embarrassing dressing-down. Please ask in the shop if you would like to meet us properly.

(#7) “Do you have Greenies?” – For those of you who aren’t in the know, Greenies are a ubiquitous, slovenly dog treat that is offered not only in pet stores, but in lower-class places like gas stations, convenience stores and strip clubs throughout the land. We are of a higher calibre here at Two Salty Dogs. You can tell that by how I spelled “caliber.” Regardless, purchase your blue collar “Greenies” elsewhere.

(#6) “My dog would tear that fetch toy to shreds in 3 minutes.” – Technically this is not a question, but it bears greater scrutiny because of its ignorance. It’s a FETCH toy. Not a chew toy. Why in the Heavens to Mergatroid would you get your dog a fetch toy to chew on? Teach your dog to fetch, or get him a chew toy. What you are loudly proclaiming is that both you and your dog need extensive training.

(#5) “He must smell my dog!” – Technically not a question either, but we get this a lot when us dogs come out to smell you. NEWS FLASH – we’re sniffing you down for treats and popcorn, loose crumbs on your pants from lunch, and any kind of food that may be on your person. Let’s be clear. I don’t go berserk when I smell your dog or any other dog. And certainly not cats. Neither does Max or Buddy. I get enough dog smell from actual dogs in the shop without smelling yours from 500 miles away on your pants. By sniffing you, we’re also trying to suss you out to see if you’re smart enough to get us a free treat from the bowl. Sadly, most of you 20-Digiters fail that test. As a species, can you work on this?.

(#4) “Can I use your bathroom?” – No you can’t. Unless you are a relative, some kind of high-ranking government official, or you have a weapon. Don learned a long time ago that to let people use the bathroom is just inviting trouble. For every 100 people who use the bathroom perfectly fine, there’s the Kindly Old Gentleman who Don let use the bathroom. He looked harmless, and he looked like he really needed to go. So Don let him use the bathroom and then went to tend to customers. Five minutes later, the Kindly Old Gentleman quietly slipped out the back door, but not before leaving a bathroom mess of gigantic proportions. Don actually had to close the shop to disinfect the bathroom and just about everything in the bathroom. It is not a mistake Don will ever make again. So if you can’t read the 53,711,900 signs in the shop that say “No Restrooms,” just ask where the public restrooms are. We’ll be glad to show you. And you will be happy to know that they are just down the hill.

(#3) “Do you have any indestructible dog toys?” – We have no indestructible dog toys, but for an extra $20, Don will enchant your purchase so that it is indestructible.

BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh my! That was a stitch! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I think I just peed a little writing that! Hahaha! Such a BURN. Seriously people – we have iron pipes, large titanium bolts, suspension bridge cable, blocks of granite in various sizes, lawnmower engines, and decommissioned aircraft carrier hulls just waiting for for your dog’s indestructible chewing needs.

BWAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding! Again! You could never afford an aircraft carrier hull! And I got to BURN you again! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Now calm down people and listen closely. I shan’t repeat myself on this matter. There IS no indestructible dog toy that your dog will actually want to chew on! It’s like the Fountain of Youth or some chimera that taunts you! Companies may brag about it, salesmen may sell it, but there is no indestructible dog toy. The only realistic attitude towards dog toys is to recognize your dogs attitude towards chewing and then evaluate each toy in terms of its Aug Value – its cost per chewing time or $/dctime. (Editors Note- Yes. Auggie just made up his own engineering unit of measure).

For example- if your dog loves to rip out squeakers, find a dog toy that has many squeakers that can’t be breached at the same time – like Purple Pete. If your dog likes to shred rope, buy many monkeyfists or pull toys for just a little money. Almost Indestructible Dog Balls work for smaller dogs. And if your dog truly is some kind of mouthy, obsessive, snarling behemoth, think about throwing rubber trash cans or tractor tires in your back yard with your dog and just running for your life.

(#2) “Do you know what a Samoyed {or similar rare breed} is?” – Yes we do. We all do. Rather, we know you enjoy coming into pet shops, groomers, breeders, shelters, dog training facilities, bus stations, hardware stores, and power plants and loudly announcing you have a rare dog breed.

Now I have nothing against rare dog breeds or their owners at all. In fact, some of my best friends are rare breeds. My issue stems from the Supercilious Rare Breed Owner. Your dog is a vehicle for you to score imaginary points on other dog owners. You have a rare breed because you like to give long, pontificating diatribes to unsuspecting people about every nuance and foible of your rare breed dog. And you use your dog’s rareness as a vehicle to fuel those diatribes.

You wouldn’t be happy just walking and fetching every day with a common Labrador or Golden. No. You need to say things like, “When we drove the 194,922,100 miles to pick up Ricky, we were worried because our local vet was untrained in the ways of the {Rare Breed Here}. So we have to drive 321,966,005 miles each way to this vet we found on the internet who specializes in {Rare Breed Here}. And get this…. He only charges $3,500/hour! We were so relieved!” These are the same people who can go on for hours about thier car’s heated steering wheel.

And trust me, we know that Supercilious Rare Breed Owners find us Labradors blasé and pathetic. We are just “common dogs.” Not even worthy enough to lick your precious Rare Breed’s empty food bowl, much less mingle with. Well let me tell you something, you Supercilious Rare Breed Owner. We Labradors may be the most common breed in these United States, but that is for a reason – we are the BEST. Everybody wants us! We are fiercely loyal, smart as whips, have a fantastic sense of play, and we get along with every body and every dog. We shan’t suffer your haughty condemnation of an entire dog sub-species.

Besides, when’s the last time you heard of a Samoyed writing a blog?

(#1) “Are these free treats for people?” – Yes. Yes they are. Enjoy.

I Remain,

Augustus Megatron Bulldozer Kingsbury