2024 - The Harbor Dogs' Stories

Nov 1, 2024

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE GRUMPY – by Auggie

My comrades refuse to have my “back.” They are your typical tiring, over-privileged, reactionary American Canine debris. And then there’s Don, the Biped version of Magilla Gorilla.

Oct 1, 2024

MY BEEF WITH TEENS – by Don

Look, I proudly say I was fired from more jobs than I’ve quit. There was even the time I was fired, re-hired, and fired by the same company on the very same day. Also, I’ve fired, re-hired, and fired Reagan in the same day a bunch of times…

Sep 1, 2024

SPASTIC, FANTASTIC & ICONOCLASTIC – by Marz

I’m a Chocolate Lab!!! I always felt different from the other Labs in my litter!!! I had eight sisters and one brother!!! They were all Black!! I was the only Chocolate Lab!! They beat me up all the time!!!! I don’t know why!!!! They bit my head and my wee-wee!!!! Sometimes my only brother would beat me up so the girls wouldn’t beat him up!! It was because of my color!!!! And my sex!!! I was also smaller than they were!!!! It was very, very scary!!!! I was very discriminated against!!!!

Aug 1, 2024

TIME IS CRUEL AND SO AM I – By Auggie

The brutal passage of time spares none. Not mayfly, Canine, Biped, dinosaur, trilobite, suns, galaxies nor even black holes. Time is a one-way track originating in an infinite past, charging over us in but an instant, and rushing on to the infinite future without a single hiccough from any living or inanimate entity in its trajectory.

Jul 1, 2024

DID YOU KNOW? DO YOU EVEN CARE? – by Don

Are you upset that you will not be able to control nor coerce your children from beyond the grave? Especially if your ashes are spread over some celebrated foreign golf course you’ve never even been to?

Never fear, chubs! We’ll dissect the truth from the flab for your pliable, thin-brained children when you’re gone. And we won’t even charge you our usual brainwashing and disposal fee.

Jun 1, 2024

THE FUDGE DOG COMETH – by Marz

5:15am — 5:29am – Auggie and I can’t get into the bathroom where Liana is because the door is very strong!!! Auggie and I bang on the door with our heads for a long time!!! It’s not working!! What if Liana is dead?!?! What if Don is dead too?!!! Who would feed me and Auggie?!?! … OH MY DOG!!! WE ARE DOOMED!!!!! DOOMED!!!!!

May 1, 2024

WHAT I DID FOR THE 2024 TOTAL ECLIPSE – by Little Donny Kingsbury – Age 12

“What’s the big deal? When it’s all over, all that’s going to happen is that Auggie’s going to want breakfast again.” – Liana Kingsbury, April 8th 2024, going 110mph on I-95 north of Passadumkeag, Maine

Apr 1, 2024

DOG ADVICE FOR BIPEDS – by Auggie

Greetings, miscreants. Welcome to a little spot of sanity in this crazy, crazy world. Consider this a refuge from the harsh realities of the outside world. This is your oasis. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You didn’t really believe that, did you? You Bipeds are so stupid and cow-like! In reality, all you thousands of Biped muppets try to […]

Mar 1, 2024

MY BEST FRIEND!!! – by MARZ

HI! I’m Marz! I work at Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters!!!! I’m in customer service!! Customer service is a great job!! It’s the best!!! I get so many headrubs and bellyrubs!!!! Auggie taught me to hang out at the free treat bowl!!!

Feb 1, 2024

CONTEMPORARY BOOTHBAY REGION FOLKLORE FOR DUMMIES – by Don

New England has a rich history of oral traditions dating back to the Cretaceous Extinction. Most of the traditions are bogus and told by old people who have led extremely dull lives and are now suffering from fungal toenail infections. At least that’s what I’m led to believe by late night TV commercials and waiting in line at the Post Office.